Hiroshima Diary Essay Example for Free

Hiroshima Diary EssayFirst of all, I would like to say that you have an boilers suit good wallpaper in my opinion. The first thing that I can suggest is a better hook. My attention wasnt drawn into the paper. I suggest a plagiarize by a scientist or other survivor, and/or a statistic something that will make a reader think about the paper more. Another thing that I can recommend is to add a little bit more background on the two narratives, but just very brief (a couple sentences). also Id like to point out some things that you could use to improve your thesis. The essay is about progress to and effect so it has to be mentioned in your thesis. Also mention the 2 things you will comp are surrounded by the two stories so the reader has an idea where the paper will be going.Other things I spy that sounded awkward are the way you used quotes. Introducing quotes is a better strategy than just using the quote as a sentence ( divide 2) as it gives a better flow and gives a bet ter news report for your dividing line. Also in my opinion you could expand more on your analysis of both paragraphs and connect your argument to the thesis and to each other so you have a better evaluation of the discussed topic.There are several other small issues that I found. In paragraph 3 you used a unyielding quote, which is 4+ lines, and it should be in a block format and indented. Also you used very dead sentences such as, Here are the quotes for the effect. Using more complex sentences gives a better flow and a more professional look to your essay.You also had some good things in your essay. You provided very concise thickset to inform a reader about the story and point out the most important information. You point. Also you have very good topic sentences introducing the argument of that paragraph. From your topic sentences I was able to know what they paragraph would be about, and you were consistent with it.After reading your essay and compared it to my own, I figur ed that I need to admit a better summary. I do not give sufficient background information to be enough for my analysis. Junjie, you did a great job at providing accurate citations, great summary and good analysis. However, you could rub down on expanding your synthesis and evaluation of the argument in your body paragraph. Otherwise, good job.